Who Am I NOW?

In my time coaching women, often the soul-searching question, ‘Who am I?’ comes up. Through our experiences, especially changes like motherhood, life can completely flip our sense of identity on its head. This is common and you are not strange or lost or complicated. As we travel through life, we evolve so it is completely ok to not fully identify with who you were 20 years ago, 10 years ago, and so on. Priorities have shifted, so have responsibilities. You now have some wisdom–  yes– you have wisdom! You may see things differently; and as a result, your values may have shifted. Yay for evolving!

I have come to see my life as a series of seasons. Through the seasons, I developed interests and passions. I have explored different places, moving around a lot in my 20’s and traveling. I’ve met people along the way that would help shape the kind of person I wanted to be. I also have learned through these experiences what doesn’t interest me and maybe the people I didn’t want so much to be like. Some of these seasons were beautiful- think Spring or Summer. They were light and fun. Others felt like hurricanes and tornadoes or giant earthquakes. Still, I have taken something from each of these seasons. They have shaped who I am in some way and brought out what I value.

I became a mother in my mid-30’s. I’d finished undergrad and grad school, been in the working world; I  thought I was pretty grounded. The motherhood seasons began. The early years were quite consuming and if I am totally honest, that sense of being grounded was nowhere to be found. I became this sort-of robot that nurtured all the people– fed them, cleaned all the things, went to music class with my toddler, playdates, more playdates… cleaned more. There was so much reckoning with who I was and who I was becoming by the time my daughter was three or four years old. Kindergarten came faster than expected and that school bus just pulled up and took my girl– just took her right out of our driveway and drove away (they did bring her back, don’t worry). Now an new question arose. What do I focus on when my girl is in school? Who do I take care of?! 

Slowly, I began to answer that question during that Fall. I started reading a lot of Brene Brown and Danielle LaPorte. More questions came– what do I desire? What am I going to do with my life? These were new questions for me. Then January 2017 arrived and our family changed in an instant.

My husband passed away suddenly and there I was, a solo parent. I was on my own. Decisions were all mine to make. Responsibilities were all on me. My marriage had been a happy one; our family life was so alive and fun. And then suddenly, our family was only two. I could write pages on my grief and I will at some point. For now, I will tell you how this was the beginning of me finding myself again.

Days after Jason died, I felt it in my gut that we needed to leave Connecticut. It wasn’t a ‘running away’ feeling. It was a true gut-wrenching intuitive moment where I knew that I knew I needed to get to Bellingham, WA. We needed to move 3000 miles away to heal. This had been talked about in our family for awhile. Bellingham was not a random decision. I knew this had to happen, but all I saw was a giant mountain to climb to get there– a house to sell, finances to figure out (which my husband had always managed), and an income to earn because I had been a stay-at-home parent. But my intuition started the ball rolling. I knew I valued nature, trails, trees, water and I wanted my daughter to grow up in an active environment with a strong community– Bellingham. I was starting to articulate my values.

Six months later we were in Bellingham. House was sold, as were most of our possessions and we landed in an apartment with trails all around us. With plenty of water and nature around us, the healing started. 

We have lived in Bellingham for 5 years now. It hasn’t been perfect but my intuition has continued to guide us. Soon after my daughter’s 1st grade year here, it felt like the school was not the right fit. Making that realization began to open to doors in ways I never would have imagined.  We found our way to a sweet Waldorf School. My values began to become so much clearer to me in regards to my parenting. When we know what we value, we have a guide inside us that steers us to what we want more of in our life. 

There have been so many seasons over the past five years, including a pandemic that some say we are out of (but I am not totally buying it). Through these seasons, I notice that I have been including more of what I love in my life including trying new things that look interesting. Maybe it is being in my mid-40’s and not being so wrapped up in what others think. But I believe that when I listen to my curiosities, I am pulled towards them. 

For example, when we moved here it was pretty obvious that this town is full of really active people. People play hard here and I love that. I remember seeing some ladies parking and getting their mountain bikes off their car to ride up the local trails and I was envious. That looked so cool and so fun but I had no idea where to begin. Fast forward a year or two (and taking several months to get out of my head), and now I enjoy bikes, dirt, trails– I am now going every week! After pushing through some discomfort, I have a way to honor my value of nature and being active, and now I love it! 

I have learned so much about myself the past five years because I have taken the time to do so. I truly believe we have the answers to our questions inside us. If you are unclear what you value, perhaps there are a lot of things getting in the way of you seeing what is at the heart of YOU. I think of a packed closet- we keep throwing things in there, it gets disorganized and pretty soon we forget what is in there until we take it all out, get rid of what it not needed and uncover the treasures that we had forgotten about.  

If we are busy doing All The Things for All The People, when do we do it for ourselves? I know. You have a lot on your plate. I hear that. You can put yourself on that plate, too. And if you have kids, they need to see that you value YOU. They are watching and learning from you all the time. You can be your first value. 

I saw a meme from SARK that said, “Make a list of things that make you happy, make a list of things you do everyday, compare the lists, adjust accordingly.” 

Where can you sprinkle something valuable that fills your time, maybe just for five minutes, that connects you to your true self? In each of our seasons, our time looks different. If you are in a demanding season, I promise you will feel lighter if you put yourself and your values in the line up. Start small- first do what SARK instructed us to do in her meme (it’s brilliant). Just the act of writing that list puts those ideas out there. Maybe what you write down surprises you. Now, pick one thing that you value, just one. If your season is lighter– pick more. Now, go do the thing(s). 

Afterwards, think about how it felt to do something that was of value to you. It could be, mediate for two minutes after you drop off the kids at school or it could be to connect with an issue that is important to you in your community. Maybe it could be planting some seeds in a garden. Whatever it is, it has to be valuable to you. Values give our life purpose. Purpose brings meaning to our life. That is living!

We have this one life. This one time to walk the earth, to experience, grow, to participate in our life. My hope is that you can show up for you. Your values will become crystal clear when you are in the flow of your life.