Finding Love, Receiving Love

Dating was nowhere on my radar in my early 40’s. And then the unthinkable happened– my husband, Jason, passed away suddenly and I was alone, parenting solo without my best friend by my side.  I was just months out from my husband dying, raising a then five-year-old daughter solo, preparing to move us across the country and selling the home we had lived, loved, and thrived in when a good friend told me I would be dating at some point. Dating seemed so very far off and inconceivable to me. 

Fast forward a year and a half into my grief and that inconceivable idea of dating became a reality (that could be an entire blog post, who am I kidding, that could be a book). I met my current partner on Bumble- yes, it does actually work out sometimes. I had to meet some other people first and wade through the dating pool in my mid 40’s. My partner, Duane, stood out with his soulful, tender qualities, sweet blue eyes, and loving heart that was so open. He is a father of 3 and a widower. I didn’t fully know that when I swiped on him that he was a widower but had some sense from his profile. Up until meeting Duane, I had kept my dating separate from my daughter. Quickly, after getting to know Duane, who I now affectionately refer to as “boyfriend,” I knew I wanted this guy in my life. And my life included a young girl and his life included a then middle school boy and 2 kids in college. 

Here is the thing about dating in my mid-life– I've already had 40+ years of experiences. I am who I am (although I was in a place of so much growth). I had been married to an amazing human, my family was everything to me, I was used to doing things a certain way (um, my way). Also, after my husband died I quickly learned how to manage all aspects of a home and parenting. My husband took care of our finances and that was now my responsibility. Did I mention I was a stay-at-home parent when he died? I had so much to figure out and thankfully some incredible support from family. I remember my father-in-law giving me an hour-long lesson over the phone on setting up an investment account– what are stocks, what is risky, etc. There was lots of learning.

So I meet Boyfriend and things are really good. We eventually introduce our kids and it goes pretty well. Then Boyfriend excitedly tells me that he wants to buy me a good bike- I was going to start training for my first triathlon and my $75 craiglist bike was not up for the adventure. And I freaked out. He wants to buy me an expensive bike?!?! That’s too much money. Why spend that on me? That’s a really big gift. What does all of this mean? 

A few months go by and he finally gets me to test drive some bikes. After so much overthinking I agree to let him buy me a bike. Oh my goodness, the bike is amazing and I love it! 

For the months to come, whenever he wanted to do something nice and generous I would freeze a bit. If I need something, I can get it. If my daughter wants something-- I got it. My sense of independence was feeling threatened. I had just been through absolute hell losing my spouse and getting us across the country to a place I felt like we could heal and live– and we were. I had done so many hard things. I was finally starting to feel a bit grounded in who I was. And somehow I think I thought I needed to continue to do hard things- or just, ALL the things. 

It hit me several months into our relationship that sometimes people want to be generous. They may show their love in that way. Being generous may fill them up. I began to see it from his point of view. Now, I wish I could say that it was so easy to be cared for in this way from that moment. I still struggle and we have been together almost 4 years. Two years ago, we bought a home together so we are in this.  I remember during that first year together asking him for help with child care when I was training for the triathlon. Asking for help was not easy for me at all. And yet, if I had not done that my daughter would not have had the opportunity to get to know him in the way she did. Also, I would have been so stressed out with my training and not have been able to manage it all. 

I have spent much of my life with a strong-willed spirit that has been a gift in so many ways. Sometimes that strength can also be seen as a wall. People around me who care about me cannot always get through that wall. Ultimately, I am the one who misses out on that feeling of being loved and cared for. I can be strong And soft. I can live with purpose and intention and also let the people who care about me live that way too. I can care for others and be cared for.

What if people want to be generous? What if people in your life want to show up for you in ways that could add ease to your life? What if they want to buy you a really cool bike and because of your stubborn independence you say no and miss out on all those rad rides?!  What if you are worth that care and attention? Instead of saying no to offers of help, what if we moved through the uncomfortable feelings and said, “yes, thank you!” None of the, “thank you, I owe you one,” just yes and thank you.