When Motherhood Becomes Our Only Identity

I remember my daughter being a toddler and my husband telling me on a Saturday to go do something, to get out of the house and get some time for myself. I stood there in the kitchen completely still, my mind racing… thinking, “but I don’t have friends that can get together right now (they were all mom friends and doing mom things at home). Where should I go? What do I even want to do? Do I just go get a pedicure?” This sounds terribly sad to me now, years later, but at that time in motherhood I had no sense of self, no idea what to do with my time if I wasn’t caring for my tiny human or family, and I had nothing that was all mine that I looked forward to for ME.

I also remember when my daughter was about a year old, my husband coming home from work. I was a full-time mom at home, and also, I was Master Controller of the home. We began an argument, though I cannot recall about what exactly. What I do know, is it had everything to do with me telling him how to do all the things for my daughter. He sternly said, “Let me be a Dad!” Those words still ring in my ears. I remember taking a moment and realizing his words desperately needed to be said. He may have done things differently from me, but we both shared deep love of our daughter and of being her parents. I could take a breath and a break from my parenting and let him parent. Quickly, bed time was given to him; he handled the baths and the stories and I could be present or not. He took over Saturday mornings and they had their own time out to breakfast, doing errands, and playing. There was enough space for us both to be parents. They could spend Sundays watching football and I didn’t need to plan activities with her.

I see more often than not motherhood being used as an excuse that mom can’t do something for the benefit of herself. I realize I am going to strike some nerves when I say this but I hope you continue reading. I share this because I have been that mom, the “selfless-until-I-did-not-recognize-myself” mom. There is a tendency to nurture our little people until we turn into robots. We go from playdate to activity to taking care of the home and our partner and maybe our dogs and then we may need to take care of even more people and things and maybe we work on top of all of this too. The guilt floods us when we see a class we want to take or we get an invite from a friend. We think. “how can we possibly get away, after all, we need to ‘mom’ the household”. We can’t possibly miss a meal time or a bedtime or a nap time, and god forbid our partner take care of those routines. 

Note- I am not speaking to the single moms here or the solo parents. I have been in both scenarios. Single moms and Solo parents have unique situations as you can’t just say “tag, your it- I am heading out right now.” I am speaking to mothers who have a partner or co parent.

I have heard mothers say countless times that they wish they had time to exercise or attend a retreat or meet up with friends. What if you do have the ability, but you are not making the space to put yourself on the priority list? Motherhood is complex and there are many seasons. I remember being a mom to an infant and how all-consuming it was nursing her around the clock. And, there have been more seasons than not that I had time to take for myself but I chose not to. I look back and think how important it would have been to have a conversation with my husband before she was born where we could talk about how this might impact us, what we need to stay whole and true to ourselves and how we could help each other be parents and our individual selves. How we could have checked in with each other periodically to see how the other person was doing with their own growth and individuality. Can you imagine how healthy that would have been?! 

I found running when my daughter was 2 ½ and that was really helpful. Still, I was lacking community aside from daytime playdates. I did manage to fly across the country twice to see my BFF before my daughter turned 5– though my husband had to give the plane tickets to me as as gifts and encourage me to take the time. More often than not, when it came to time by myself when my daughter was younger. I found it to be uncomfortable– because I didn’t know myself. 

The beginning of solo parenting after my husband died became a huge growth time for me. It was now just Me, I was the only parent, and the only example to my daughter of how to live a meaningful life. Parenting solo showed me more than anything how much I needed to care for me.  I have found that saying yes to myself has gotten easier the more I do it. With time I began to find myself again, Journaling helped me understand myself, my grief, who I was becoming in this season of my life. This led me to actually having interests, learning new things, exploring interests. And my daughter has been a witness to me saying yes to myself. Sometimes it can be hard when my plans do not include her and on the flip side, she has things that she participates in that don’t include me, that is all healthy and ok.

If we wait to live after our children have grown up, we have missed our lifetime. Life is happening right now, right this second. You can be a mom and have an individual identity that spans outside of your home and even your work life. You can cultivate your spirit by including that beautiful part of you in your choices. And if it feels absolutely terrifying to explore your identity and say yes to something outside of motherhood, lean into that. Get curious as to why those feelings are there.  Talk to your partner; they may be having similar feelings. How can you support each other's growth? Motherhood is so special and adds so much meaning to our lives– it’s a part of our identity. There are so many beautiful parts of you, go explore them!

Gina offers parenting and partnership classes at Skagit Valley College through continuing education- check out Spring offerings:

https://www.campusce.net/skagit/course/course.aspx?catId=44