Pausing Our Doing Tendencies

Hello all you Doers out there. I see you, I hear you and I am one of you. I have been thinking back on when this need to take on every last thing began… It could be when I was a child, part of this trait started around 10-11 years old. It surely intensified as I became an adult and then once Motherhood came around- look out! Let me take care of this tiny human, my husband, our house, groceries, dinners, who needs laundry done? The dog needs a walk, we need outside time, we need play time, we need some art time, how about we read together? And back to the house, errands… Cue my  husband walking in the door from work years ago and asking me how I was doing and I would reply, I am tired. You always say that, he would reply. True. And I was tired. 

Call it some perfectionist traits, high functioning, the need for a tidy space, the need to be a Super Mom… this part of me has ruled my life for a long time. After my husband died this part went into overdrive. I packed and sold a house and moved across the country 6 months after his death. Much of this was a strong desire to heal and live where I knew my daughter and I would eventually thrive. Also, I Do. I do a lot. A few years later I would be diagnosed with adrenal fatigue that probably began soon after I gave birth to my daughter.

So why do we put this pressure on ourselves to constantly stay moving? I will be vulnerable here and share my own reasons. Slowing down used to feel uncomfortable. Let me explain- if productivity is valued in my life, resting, sitting, and stopping the constant flow of tasks was viewed by myself as unproductive. My value would diminish, in my eyes, if I was not doing. If I had been home all day with my young daughter and my husband came home- what would it look like if dishes were not done and the house not put together- what had I been doing all day? Yikes! I actually thought that and maybe you have too. Um, I was parenting, being present with my child, and I could have also been present to myself during those years.

Another reason for this uncomfortable feeling of slowing down is- what would I actually do if I wasn’t doing? What would it feel like to sit, and close my eyes and breathe, I didn’t want to find out. What if I put my task list away and focused on what I was curious about and interested in? My thought years ago would be- who has time for that? Now, oh my goodness, who does not have time for that? 

We find ourselves wondering where the time has gone, only to find we are farther from ourselves and disconnected from our life. We have placed these unmanageable expectations on ourselves because we are going to do things better than had been done for us, perhaps. Or maybe, you grew up with these expectations to perform and do from a young age. There are so many paths to getting to this place where we are no longer connected to our true self and instead are ruled by our to do list that never is empty.

It is not all hopeless. We can actually train our minds and bodies to find value in other things besides tasks and productivity. A few things that have brought me back to my body and out of my head space (that is where that inner critic lives and tells us all the things we should be doing) is by stopping to breathe for just a minute or two at a time. Hand on my heart, deep belly breaths brings me to the present and also allow me to feel what I am feeling in that moment. I wish I could have done more of this in the early stages of grief. Doing keeps our feelings just out of reach and sometimes that can feel safe. Really, those feelings will only intensify if they aren't acknowledged. I also love to go for walks in the woods without my phone. I can take in all the details around me, watch my dogs be silly and curious and let my thoughts come and go. One of my favorites is sitting with my warm coffee early in the morning when the house is quiet. I am not preparing a school lunch or multitasking- I am sitting on my comfy couch, enjoying the moment, looking out the window at the day, just being. 

Our value does not come from how much we do, friends. We are so much more than our lists and productivity. If this hits home for you I encourage you to think and journal about where your value comes from and if this is serving your wellbeing. What does your ideal day look like? Are you living any resemblance to that? We are dynamic humans with curiosities and passions, needing rest and relaxation to replenish. Your soul wants to connect with you and your to do list is likely pulling yourself farther away from a life of truly Living.

Gina Ebbeling is a life coach, gatherer, and community builder at Raw Womanhood. www.rawwomahood.org